The Power of Words

Over the past few years I have come to realise that every word we utter holds an incredible power. They linger in the air, leaving behind imprints like footprints in the sand. These footprints can either illuminate someone's path or leave them lost in darkness. As I reflect on my own journey, marked by emotional traumas and moments of feeling utterly worthless, I have learned the profound impact that words can have on our lives. This is my personal story of growth, healing, and the importance of mindful speech.

The Weight of Words In a world filled with constant noise, it is easy to overlook the significance of our words. However, I have intimately felt the gravity of their impact. The wounds inflicted by thoughtless comments and hurtful phrases run deep, often leaving scars that take years to heal. Leaving me to question not only my worth but the worthiness of the . The sting of worthlessness can consume a person, making them question their very existence. It is in these moments that the power of empathy and kindness becomes ever more crucial.

Unseen Battles Behind every smile lies a multitude of battles fought silently. We never truly know the struggles others face, the pain they endure in silence. It is essential to remember this as we navigate through life, interacting with others along the way. Instead of being quick to judge or criticise, let us be the ones who uplift and heal. A simple act of kindness, a gentle word of encouragement, can become a beacon of hope, lighting the way for someone who feels lost and alone.

The Ripple Effect Small gestures of kindness may seem insignificant, but they possess the power to create ripples of change. Each act, each word, has the potential to spark a light of hope within another person's heart. As experience through various encounters, a kind word or a compassionate conversation can breathe life into someone drowning in despair. Let us be mindful of the ripples we create, shaping a world where every soul feels valued, cherished, and seen.

Crafting a Compassionate World Together, we have the ability to shape a world where empathy and compassion prevail. It starts with choosing our words wisely. Let us use our voices as instruments of understanding and healing, embracing empathy in every conversation. By crafting our words with love and compassion, we create an environment where everyone's worth is celebrated. In this world, no one is made to feel insignificant or unheard.

And so, as I look back on my journey, I am reminded of the transformative power of words. They can either wound or heal, break or uplift. Let us be mindful of the immense impact our words can have on others, especially those who have experienced emotional traumas and the weight of worthlessness. Through empathy, kindness, and a genuine desire to understand, we can create a world where every soul feels valued and cherished. Together, let us leave footprints of love, compassion, and hope in the sand, knowing that they will endure long after we are gone.

Judgement // Acceptance // Awareness

Thursday, 12 May 2016

It saddens me that in todays society that people are so quick to judge when its comes to mental illness such as, anxiety and depression. Regardless of the severity these two things alone are struggles faced by many, may it be for a certain period in their life or something that has to be dealt with on a daily basis.

Then there are those who deal with both and I am one of the many that fall into this category. However for me it's something that I have to deal with every waking day, a daily struggle I face from the moment my alarm goes off, if not that simply waking up in the middle of the night feeling anxious for unknown reasons from high tense emotions to a sudden lows of depressed feelings that I become numb and feel no self worth. Sometimes I may even be surrounded by people or even at work and for reasons I still can't understand it still controls me. 

From one extreme to another it becomes draining. Not just mentally because of the constant thoughts and the paranoia that comes with it but also physically. Trying to control your breathing and reflexes and reactions to your surroundings is harder than it sounds. As of late I find myself not wanting to step outside the front door to prevent myself from those unwanted feelings. I have become anti-social and see myself pulling away from people that I care and love deeply.

People tend to think that it's all in a persons mindset when really it's more than that. In my case it's due to various traumatic events in my life and as much as I would love to turn back time to prevent those things from happening at the same time I am grateful that it did because it has made me the person that I am today. Not the paranoid person that deals with feelings of anxiousness or lows of depression but it has made me strong and has placed me in a position where I am able to understand people better. To have more patience and compassion for those around me, but above all it has taught me to not be someone that is quick to judge.

Yes, I may be going through a low point in my life this very moment but what pains me is that people fail to understand is that these situations that seem "normal" in every day life for a person without the above is that they are capable of controlling their thoughts and emotions whereas I can only control so much. If anything it's not just because of the one thing, it's the build up of everything that has happened and I wish that people could understand this. This is why I am now finally seeking help from professionals that I should have done a long time ago.

There is no logic way for me to explain how my mind works but what I know is that there is only so much one can take before they are to breakdown completely.

If you know anyone going through something in their life and can see that they are struggling the worse thing you can do is try to compare your past experiences in the sense that if you can get through it so can they. No. It doesn't work like that. People who deal with anxiety and depression need more than just that and at times it comes across condescending even if that may not be your objective to us at times that's how it feels.

You think that we don't know that there is so much more to live for? That we have forgotten about the ones who love us? That we are taking our lives for granted? Why don't you place yourself in our shoes for a day so that you you can change your perspective on how to approach such things.

All I know is that there needs to be more awareness in terms of dealing with people who have anxiety and/or depression, and if me sharing my thoughts and experiences is a way to contribute to that than I am more than happy to do so.

In order for people to understand, I find myself here .. putting myself out there through my blog posts and sharing my journey for people to read, to relate to or simply something that I hope they can draw strength from knowing that they are not alone. Yes, I am opening myself to judgement but do I care? Of course I do, I would be lying if I said I didn't. However I look at it this way - If you are quick to judge me and say something it says a lot more about you than its does me.

Always remember, there are people who are going through the same things in life and try to keep in mind especially in your darkest moments that you are never alone. Surround yourself with people who are positive, hold close to the ones who see the brightness and greatness in you and through them you will find yourself once again.

"If someone trusts you enough to tell you personal things such as their struggle with depression or what anxiety feels like or just how they feel in general, please don't be a shitty person and brush it off by belittling it just because you've never experienced it. It feels like shit to be told your feelings don't matter by the one person you actually trusted enough to tell."

Pain // Inner Strength // Growth

Sunday, 22 May 2016

This certain post today is for anyone going through some form hardship in their life, regardless if you are dealing with depression and/or anxiety or not, it does not make the tribulations you face in lifeof any less importance. We must all learn and come to understand that not everyone is of the same but any form of pain is still pain in the end.

To those who are hurting, please know that it is okay to hurt. We are only human. Through the pain, heartache, and endless tears that fall amongst your cheeks, it is during this time that you are grieving. May it be for a loss of someone that you have loved and cherished, moving on from something in life and having to adapt to changes, having to let go of something that means so much to you or even just having one of those days/weeks where everything just doesn't seem to be going right. And sometimes you may not have a reason and I get that. I feel that almost everyday. You can't seem to justify the feeling but the pain is there.

During this period not only are you allowing yourself to become weak and vulnerable, but you are also learning to become a better you. As you are in the process of healing, you will come to discover much more about the person you are and what it is you have to offer. You may even surprise yourself in terms of realisation of your capabilities with being alone. Eventually you will be standing up tall with the inner strength you never would have thought you had within you.

There will always be moments in our lives where we will get hurt regardless if choose to or not. We must also remember that we only hold our destiny in our hands to a certain extent (you may not agree but this is my personal opinion) and even if we were to try and manipulate the situation, in the end the outcome will still be the same. However with this pain we should take it as a learning curve. Without the pain we experience in life, how are we expected to grow?

With that said, ultimately it is up to you in the end whether you are to allow these moment(s) in your life to control you and break you down completely causing you to lose all faith and hope to fight back. Or will you only allow these moment(s) to break you just enough so that there is room for you to grow and better improve yourself and bring out the inner brightness within you, which in all honesty has ALWAYS been there, and has been something that the ones who care love you most have seen in you this entire time.

One dear friend of mine shared something with me she came across and it made me think and has stuck with my since.. "Are you going to be a victim to your adversity, or are you going to use your experience(s) to your advantage?" Whether the advantage be that you fight back and move on in life much stronger than yesterday, or a someone who speaks up to become a voice against certain stigma, or to be someone of inspiration and motivation to others to carry on in life despite the hard times, or to be someone who wishes to bring greater awareness to something that is yet to be truly recognised nor accepted in the bigger circle of society.

Remember, it's okay to be scared. It's okay to want to be alone at times with your thoughts. It's okay to think of the worse. But what's not okay is not asking for help when you need it most, suppressing all those thoughts and emotions and pushing away the ones who love are care for you most because in the end, it will eat you to the point you know longer know what it is you want and who you are anymore. Like I said earlier, we are only human and we must keep in mind when we are faced with such times in our life that we swallow our pride raise our hand and say; "I need to choose me. I need to be selfish. I need help" and if anything that is the most courages thing anyone of you could ever do. The most you accept you need help is the moment your journey to finding yourself once again begins.

In my case, I have chosen to open up (to an extent in the sense that I have yet to go through my experiences in details - but surely in time I will) and share with the world my most inner fears, thoughts and emotional and physical pain that I struggle with on a daily basis. In doing so I hope to connect with people around me who too deal with depression and/or anxiety in hopes that with me doing this they are able to relate with me and somehow find some sort of comfort knowing that it is okay to feel whatever it is they are feeling that there is really no such thing as "normal". Just as long as you have a great support system around you is what truly does matter the most.

Always remember that in the end we must learn to forgive in time. It may sound easier said than done and some what cliche but in all honestly .. what does holding hurtful feeling towards someone or something that has hurt you do for you at the end of the day? Nothing. It will just prolong the pain for no reason. Eventually you will be able to let go and possible forget the hurt that you had felt but one thing for certain is that you do not forget the lesson that it has taught you.

ALWAYS BE KIND TO YOURSELF - YOU ARE NEVER ALONE

"Sometimes we need to be hurt in order to grow. We must lose in order to gain. Sometimes, some lessons are learned best through pain."

When?

Monday, 30 May 2016

I wish that I could truly be that bubbly person that everyone sees me as. The girl that always takes the time to make others laugh. Always cheerful greeting everyone with a smile filled with warmth. But when I say I wish I could truly be that person I mean to say that I wish that it did not have to be somewhat forced (lack of word) at times. Please don’t get me wrong, despite me having to “force” such happiness does not mean that it is not coming from somewhere genuine. What I mean to say is that I wish that it could just be as you see it. No underlying emotions. No hidden pains. No secrets.

To truly be that person filled with a zest for life is the person I hope to someday be. I know that it is impossible to live a life without challenges but all I am asking for is to have even just a day where I am able to smile without a hidden frown, to laugh freely without knowing inside I am crying endless tears, to be strong for the people I treasure and care for most when little do they know I am slowly dying on the inside a little more each day with the fear of wanting it to all end growing stronger as each day passes.

I wish happiness upon everyone, and therefore I have always taken pride in making sure that the ones who surround me are doing okay and are in a good place, and when they’re not in a good place I do my very best to be there for them to let them know that everything in the end will be okay. That I will always be here for them whether it just is via text or a phone call. I am here. Despite all the bad there will always be some good that will come out of it. But when will I be able to sincerely do this for myself?

There is always room for self-improvement and growth, but in order for me to truly do this I must learn to accept the things that have happened and take my own advice. I must not allow those moments to define me, yet I sit h

ere continuously questioning myself if I am actually doing any better than yesterday and the day before that. To be someone highly in tuned with his or her thoughts and emotions is a wonderful thing but for me I feel that it is a curse. Do not ask me why because in all honesty I would not know where to begin. But if you really want to know you can always ask and I would be more than glad to be an open book and answer in more detail.

My day will come when I will no longer be hesitant in putting myself first and for once be the one to reach out. But until then I will continue to improve me in whatever way I can and as always, be there for you whenever you need someone to lean on.

"It's not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and make your happiness a priority. It's necessary"

In Your Own Time

Monday, 13 June 2016

Time will heal all things but it order for us to heal we must always keep in mind that finding the light during the darkness starts within us whether we are ready to truly let go and move on or continue to linger on things we can no longer change and dwell on the pain. Even though people around us may continuously advice as to move on and let go and start fresh it will be hard at first but eventually we will get there and make the first step. Whether it be the tiniest step, a step forward is still a step.

In order to become the person we hope and wish to be we need fight our inner battles in taking that first step forward in making the change for the better but not for the people around us because it is what they are telling and/or asking to do but because we are doing it for us. In OUR own time, for we know ourselves better than anyone else.

Let’s face it, we can’t make everyone we come across happy and you know what who the heck cares! I have spent majority of my life trying to please the people around me to the point that I am unaware of their actions in the sense that I am being taken advantage of and it has finally reached the point where enough is enough.

I am now going to put myself first, and so will you! Your well being mentally, physically and emotionally should be your number one priority above everyone else. However having said that, I am not saying that we are to become completely selfish and greedy to the point we ignore people around us, yes it is still okay to be there for the ones you love and care for but when YOU are placed in a situation that you are uncomfortable with or are going through your own personal hardships it’s okay to say no at some point and just be honest and tell them you will be there for them as much as you can but you need to remember to leave some self love and care for yourself as well.

As of late I have slowly discovered so much about the old me that I had forgotten about because I was so focused on everyone else around me that I neglected myself over time and that was the greatest regret I have to this day. BUT with having said that I am also thankful because it has also shown me what a wonderful person I am. Regardless of my own circumstances that have held me back and placed in positions I never thought I would ever be in, I still managed to remain strong for those around me, not only that but was also able to provide the care and advice that the ones I cared for needed in their times of need.

I have now learnt that all that I have given to those around me I must also apply to myself. To not forget my own happiness and what makes me feel genuine joy. Time is our friend if used correctly but if not it can also be our worst enemy, for if we allude ourselves from the truth that is to be faced not only are we holding ourselves back from healing but essentially we are wasting our own time. We only have once chance to live therefore from every mistake we make we must learn from them and move forward.

Over the past few weeks I have not only made the first steps of overcoming my anxiety (to an extent) but I have rekindled my personal love and passion for music, rebuilt friendships and bonds with those I had forgotten but most important as mentioned in my previous posts I have started to build on my faith and relationship with our good Lord once again. This is something that I am most proud of because I never truly realised how much I allowed myself to be led astray but I will not longer waste my time on doing wrong in my life but now will utilise my experiences in life to help and encourage others. And once again this can only happen in time.

At the end of the day as much as we wish we could fast-forward time and get to our happy place only time can really tell. As they say “time is of the essence” but when it comes to ourselves no time is wasted if put to good use especially when it is a personal journey on self-discovery and over coming mental illness to whatever extent we can.

One thing I have definitely learnt thus far is that things cannot be rushed, if we push ourselves to far and too soon and not listen to ourselves, the outcome may not be what we may hope to be. I made the mistake thinking that I was doing better and ready to face the world again when in reality I was far from it. I did not allow myself proper time to heal and truly focus on me.

This time I have been given a second chance, and I am not going to make the mistake of rushing things and pretending. Instead I have been making the most of the time as advised to find myself and to accept things and let go as each day passes of what has caused me to go into this mental spiral and acknowledge that I can no longer change the past but only look forward to what the future holds.

I can only hope, wish and pray that whoever you may be reading this will take a step back to re-evaluate not only yourself and situation but also be brave enough to question yourself “Am I really allowing myself the right amount to heal?”

Falling Apart // Falling Into Place

Tuesday, 7 June 2016

It has taken some time for me to come to terms with everything that has been happening in my life as of late and what has happened throughout the years. If anything I am only truly starting to accept my past.

Given time alone with my thoughts for the first time for a even just short while I did not feel trapped instead I was feeling enlightened. No words can truly describe the feeling but it was refreshing. It was nice to be free from my own mind even if was momentarily.

I came across the above image as I was looking for some answers through quotes online (as you do) and this specific one hit me close to home. I can relate to this on so many levels. It takes me back to when I was 21 and was faced with a truth that broke me apart completely and it has been something that still affects me to this day and something that I have personally for to deal with for a long while up until now. It came to a point in my life that I no longer knew who I was. What my purpose was and why I was still alive in the first place?

I was faced with a case of "identity crises" I felt the world I had grew up was falling apart, torn into shreds. That everything I knew was nothing but a lie. But instead when everything that I thought around me was falling apart everything inside of me was actually falling into place. The appreciation I had for life had actually grown through the years and gratitude for the family I had come to know over the years.

The pain that I had initially felt eventually turned into the beauty of a much greater love and acceptance for not only blessing me to be in the position I am today but has also somewhat contributed to the inner strength that I never knew I had until as of late when I have needed it most to come out alive through everything that is happening around me.

I know that I said I would be honest and true but right now I can't exactly go into details about this certain chapter of my life as it would not be fair on those who I respect and treasure most as I believe that somethings are best said than read online and found out by other people. But just know that whatever is happening now it is because something better is to come out of it. It will not only teach you a lesson and open your eyes to the world around you but it may also be something that you can look back on and say if I survived that then I can survive this.

Never take what you have in life for granted. Especially your family and above all your parents. We will only ever be blessed with them once in our lifetime and some don't even have parents nor even know who their true parents are, so even more reason to be thankful and grateful for the family you do have in general as some are brought into this world to fend for themselves.

With having said that I am thankful for my Mama and Papa who have stuck by my side throughout everything especially as of late. Going through the darkest moments of my life and days where I just cry uncontrollably, knowing that this hurts them twice as much to see me go through the pain they still find the strength within them to be strong FOR ME even though I know deep inside it is crushing them completely to see me like this.

So whatever situation you're in and the emptiness and despair you may be feeling and going through, please know that even though everything seems to be falling apart, keep in mind that the good that is to come is actually starting to fall into place. Trust in the, Lord, for he will not put us in situations that  he does not believe that we are capable of coming out of stronger and wiser. Hold strong to your faith and never lose hope no matter.

"When life seems to fall apart, don't worry. It also has a tendency, to fall back together,

the way God planned it."

Living Behind A Mask

Friday, 3 June 2016

I want nothing to do with anyone

Just leave me alone

I shall sleep forever

These are the current thoughts that are running through my mind. I want nothing more than to be locked away hidden from the world. What's the difference with me being able to see the beauty of the world freely when really I am trapped majority of the time in my own mind. A prisoner to my own thoughts tied down by my unstable emotions.

Oh look it's a new day .. I look at my reflection, eyes filled with pain and a heart heavy as though it holds the burden of the world "Let it go and move on - You can't change the past so look forward to the day ahead and stop looking back." I repeat this at least 5 times and stop and just stare at the person staring back at me. I start to laugh. Who am I kidding, I cant seem to find the courage to do so. I am not brave. I am not strong. I am not a beautiful person. I am a coward, who is beyond weak filled with so much darkness and soul dark as the night skies without the stars shining bright as they have died over the years.

See that photo, thats me on the left. with my mask painted on portraying a smile filled with much love and happiness. Contentment with life. Picture perfect life with not a worry in the world. Yeah Right! It's nothing more than what I just said a mask that is painted on each time I step out the house prepared to face the strangers throughout the day. Now see the photo to the right. That is the real me. The truth behind the mask I choose to wear everyday (with or without makeup). I am all the opposites of everything from what people see. In the inside this is me but I can't show it. I am consumed by it all. I am slowly dying and sooner or later it will happen. I've tried once so who is to say I won't try it again? I am in constant pain, mentally torturing myself involuntarily to the point I allow to be convinced that I am all that is wrong in this world.

A simple question such as "how are you today" is enough for me to be left in a state of shock and confusion with sudden overwhelming of anxiety on how to answer and so I just put on a brave face hold back the tears and smile and say "Good thank you" and carry on. In reality what I want to say is "Quite shit to be honest. Don't even know how the hell I got out of bed yet alone get here and be able to stand here and hold a simple conversation with you so yeah not a good day but it never is. But on a brighter note at least I'm not suicidal." and by the end of that sentence I am sure to breakdown in tears and run the other direction where I can be alone and let it all out.

I feel like I am living a secret life. A double life. A con-artist. The great pretender. I wish I could be honest with everyone. With my life and with ALL the reasons behind all the pain and hurt I am gong through the cause to this complete breakdown but I just cant find the words to do so nor bring myself to say it. I can't even come to terms with it all up until now so what more with other people.

There is probably only two people in my life who know my complete story. Every experience, every detail, all the heartache and innocence stripped from away from me. One who I did not allow myself to be distant with who understands both faces. Who has accepted and loved me for my good and bad and has been nothing but patient and understanding with me through the years. She has kept me grounded and been the one to help me see the light in my darkest moments when I was yet to seek any help. She will always be my kapatid through the years despite the distance our friendship has continued to flourish through the years.

The other person I unfortunately pushed away thinking it was for all the right reasons at the time. But of course they were not excuse enough to have done what I had done. Finally I woke up to realise that I cannot live like this and recently rekindled with her because I became selfish I lost myself and allowed my thoughts and paranoia to consume me. I missed you, and no words can express the joy of having you in my life again that we are on amends and I look forward to another 17 years with you plus many more. You have been there for the longest time and life without you is one I cannot imagine. And knowing that you love both faces give me the assurance that I am on the road to finding myself once again.

What I have come to realise is that it's okay to show your bad days to the world and I must come to terms of what has happened and move on and slowly share my stories with those around me. Not for the pity but for them to understand the reasons to why I am where I am in my current state and how I became the person I am today.

To the person reading this, I hope that whatever you are going through that you will come to find your inner-peace.  And when you finally get there I am sure the feeling itself with be nothing but pure bliss and heavenly. I am on my way and soon I shall join the people who too have struggled along the way and someday I will be able to rejoice in victory.

Alexithymia

Tuesday, 31 May 2016

I feel like the world around me is crumbling into a million pieces and that I am holding onto dear life. That I am on one end of the rope that has scratched so many rough surfaces along the way that it has become extremely thin piece of string that is slowly unthreading itself and could completely come apart at any second, and you know what scares me most is that despite knowing this, I seem to be fine with it. That if that rope was to snap and I was to fall then all of this would finally come to an end. No more struggle, no more conflicting thoughts, no longer having to face the day with emotions from one extreme to another.

Despite everything in terms of reaching out for the help, which I should have done sometime ago, and for the circle of amazing people around me, the moment I am left alone with my thoughts; the questioning, self-doubt, feeling of no self worth comes running back. My mind is once again flooded with all the negative thoughts that I try to escape from every chance I get. Just think of all the harsh things and feelings of hatred that you could ever have towards someone that you may despise, dislike, or someone who has hurt you to the point that the pain is unbearable. Now this time rather than having these thoughts for another, apply all of the above towards you. Such hurtful and harsh feelings and words aimed at nobody but your own self.

Now imagine feeling this everyday, from the moment you wake you question your existence, you wonder why you are still around and if what you think you are contributing to the world even matters at the end of the day? Is it really all worth it? Am I just being a fool? Am I a great pretender? Am I ever going to come to terms with whom I am? When will I finally accept myself for the person I am and see myself that others see me as?

People breakdown and cry and that’s perfectly fine, at the end of the day like I’ve said before we are only human. But what I can no longer stand is I find myself crying and I no longer know the true reasons behind it all. Subconsciously I probably do however I question myself, are these tears of happiness because I have come so far after so long or are they tears of pain because I’ve waited so long? Sometimes I just breakdown completely and I no longer have any more tears to shed but the pain and anguish is still there ever so strong.

This very moment I can’t help but feel like the biggest hypocrite. Knowing what I have written in my past blogs in terms of vulnerability, self-acceptance, inner-strength and growth along with the words of encouragement and the advice to enlighten people on not just mental illness itself but just simply going through pain, I sit here and wonder why is it I am unable to apply such words to myself?

I am detached from reality and find myself drifting away more and more each time I allow myself to be alone or whenever I am left alone with my thoughts. You could place me in a room of people this very moment and I would be capable of smiling and laughing when all I want to do is run away.

All I want is to be able to truly be open and honest and express my feelings to everyone. But I just can’t. You may think otherwise but there is just so much more to it all and I have just kept it all in for so long that I have come to a point where I no longer know where to start, how to start over, how to just simply be me and say it as it is.

I once again feel nothing. Numb to the world around me.

Be Honest // Be True // Be You

Thursday, 2 June 2016

They say that being honest and true is the best thing you can do in life. It is the key foundation to building a strong relationship between two souls alongside with loyalty and trust. When you are honest and true you can actually come to terms of what is happening around you or bring light to a situation when things seem to go astray. Put it this way, if you were to lie and mislead people in the end the truth will always come out one way or another and when it does you don’t just somewhat feel that you’ve disappointed the people around you and let them down but you become a disappointment to yourself and a sense of shame overcomes you at the same time.

But what happens when you are able to be honest to yourself. To be true to yourself. To accept that there are things that have happened to you not by your choice and no matter what, you can't turn back time to change what you wish you could, to prevent those things from happening to you. This is one of the greatest challenges I face every waking moment along with everything else that goes on in my head to the moment I can finally sleep. To accept my life experiences and to be honest and true to myself in the sense that I have to live with what I have and must accept that what is done is done.

However this is a challenge I will choose to fight each day because I will not allow this to define the person I know I can be.

If not from the moment I wake, regardless if I'm with or without company, these thoughts come to mind at some point of the day and drain me completely. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. In life we all face things and at times we think its best to push aside the thoughts and emotions and distract us from the situation(s) but in reality all we’re really doing is inflicting self-harm because we aren’t being honest - we aren’t being true to ourselves. Not only do we allow the hurt, the anguish, the pain, every possible emotion to continuously build up but with all the emotions if left ignored for a long period of time, it won't be long until you can no longer keep it inside nor deny the fact that you are in a state of denial and just like that without a hint of knowing you explode. You breakdown. You are in a state of defeat. You are broken. You are lost.

There is only so much you as a human being can take and I guess what I’m trying to say is that in order for you to become the better you, you need to be honest and with yourself and accept yourself for all your wrongs and be thankful for the difficult experiences in life and the only way you can be honest to yourself is facing the truth as hard and painful as it may be. But trust me, you will be thankful to have done it sooner than later. I say this because I speak from the heart. No hidden agendas.

Don’t make the same mistake I did, to carry on with life thinking that everything is fine and to face the world like nothing mattered because in the long run it will do more damage than ever. I have kept things bottled up inside me for too long, almost 19 years to say the least and this entire time I thought I was doing the right thing. However with having said that as contradicting as this may sound a part of me believes that what I did at the time was someone right. I did not allow the experiences to end me instead it turned the situations around and became a survivor and not a victim. Strength over Adversity.

Yes I became a survivor, a person filled with much "joy and happiness" and referred to as the bubbly one but again little did they know where all this was coming from. What I didn't see was that in reality I was actually pushing people away from getting to know who I am really am. Taking things for granted. Forgetting my passion and slowly I forgot who I was. Pushing away the people who cared for me most away and ruining relationships for no reasons at all.

It all comes down to you and how you will  handle your moments in life. there is nothing wrong with being selfish and putting yourself first without feeling guild because if you wait too long, you amy become someone like me. Mostly numb and constantly questions if the happiness you feel is ever genuine or fragment of your imagination.

With all that said remember try your very best to be honest, to be true. to be you. Do not do it for anyone else but for yourself. I am still learning to do this with myself but one day, some day maybe I'll finally be able to take a grasp onto reality and accept things for what they are and be honest and true to me. The person who matters most at the end of the day.

Lost.

Saturday, 11 June 2016

Almost 4am and I lay here awake. My mind has yet again taken over me despite medication nothing works I can never get enough or if at all any sleep.

This very moment I feel so lost. Confused. Depressed. Where is my life heading? What is my purpose? I feel like a lost soul walking amongst this earth passing nothing but faceless strangers with nothing worthy to contribute to this world other than my thoughts of darkness and no self worth.

I want nothing more to just end it all. The torment and pain I can't do this anymore. I want to get out of life the easy way. The coward way. Slit my wrist. Hang myself. Drink poison. At this very moment I would even run in front of a moving vehicle or with the help of the rain and wet roads just speed towards my death.

But then I look back and see how far I've come. But then it just numbs me. All the negatives that has come by in my life is more than enough to destroy the person that I am completely and yet I still choose to fight? But why? Why fight when all I do is torment myself each waking day.

I choose to fight for my parents my family and friends I hold near and dear to my heart however I don't find  any reasons to fight this battle for my self which is somewhat disappointing and at the same time disturbing the more I think about it. If there is anything that you are to do in life it should always be for yourself and not for anyone else. But here I am fighting to better myself because of the people around me.

I no longer want to disappointment the people around me and I have been stuck in this dark place for too long and despite the help I am seeking I can't help but feel I am not doing any better. Yes there are days and moments that I am fine but what scares me to the point I question if I am crazy is that I am capable of being in the company of others and share laughter and just a second after I once again switch off. Numb. Absent to the world around me.

And yet  once again like I said earlier, here I am striving to be alive for the people around me but not for myself.

I don't know how much longer of this constant battling I can take. This battle inside my head. I am doing all I can to better myself and be the bright person filled with love and laughter once again but the darkness inside of me seems to be growing stronger each day leaving me in limbo. Leaving me in a space of unknown. No longer aware of the destination I was heading towards.

Overwhelmed with the messages of support and love I feel such happiness and gratification that instantly turns into guilt and once again my mind switches to over ride, over analysing things said. Questioning myself if I really am not doing enough for myself. Am I really not making enough effort to be better myself? To find myself? I thought I was but then I can't help but feel that I'm far from reaching that goal.

Being lost at this point of time is the worse feeling ever when you have come to think that you have finally come to the point of being stronger yet it seems questionable as your actions and words betray you. I no longer want to have this mask. I no longer want live a life with walls around me. I want to be freed. Freed from the entrapment of my my. Being the prisoner of my body. I want to be me.