I am now living a life of purpose and fulfilment but above all a life free from the chains of generational trauma, sexual abuse and pains from past relationships - and I have my daughter to thank - because if it wasn’t for her I don’t think I would have ever truly felt the pull and want to heal myself, to love myself and be a woman of strength, purpose, passion and conviction so that I could always show up as the best version of me everyday not only for her but for me as well, because I deserve to.

In 2015 I had hit complete rock bottom. Crippled by depression and severe anxiety I had come to a point of not only not wanting to be here but to actually wishing I never existed.

Unable to work for a few months, I found day to day things harder than ever. I no longer knew who I was nor recognised the person staring back at me in the mirror. I allowed myself to be consumed by the dark cloud that each moment I felt as though I was fighting for my own right to even just breath.

I had allowed my past to define my worth and the words spoken by others to define the person I was, and what I was worthy and deserving of.

I had allowed others to set my life’s standards and the direction my life was going.

I allowed myself to believe that I wasn’t worthy of love, friendships, happiness and all the beautiful things that life had to offer.

I had convinced myself that there was no hope in getting better and being able to truly ever smile and be happy again.

I was so angry with the world. I was so angry for all that I had to endure and experience from such a young age.

What people fail to remember is that words spoken in the moment may mean nothing, but fun and games from the mouth it left, but to the receiver can do such detrimental long term damage. This. This is what exactly happened.

The words spoken from those in school all through adulthood - words of judgement, comparison and belittling - these words fed the doubt and brokenness of my ego drilling into me that I really wasn’t worthy of love and in order to be loved and accepted in the eyes of others and the standard of society that I had to look, speak and act a certain way .. which ultimately for me was to be anyone but who I really was.

For as long as I can remember, I struggled to be me. All I ever longed for was to be seen and heard and feel like I belonged and accepted for who I was - who I am. But this was never the case.

Unable to tell my parents or anyone what had happened, it developed a disconnect within me that loving myself or the thought of self love as I grew older just became more foreign and absurd.

I mean, who would love someone like me? For all I knew I was fat, ugly, dirty and used - Actual words spoken to me from an ex partner.

Struggling to find a sense of self and identity as I transitioned into adult hood, and the longing to be heard and understood, the only way I knew how to communicate was through anger and frustrations - and if you come from a filipino household like mine then you would know that any answer to your parents or reasoning would be considered disrespectful and rude.

Who was I to have my own voice, to be heard and understood when all I heard mostly growing up was “Anak ka lang” (Your just a child)
”Bastos ka talaga, walang kang takot oh respeto sa magulang!” (You’re really so rude! You have no fear or respect for your parents")

And the painful fact is, I would hear these words right after attempts of trying to open up and confide in her what I had and was going through but she was always too tired for me and I always seemed to be there person she would take her frustrations out on.

“Respect your elders because it’s the right thing to do” “Don’t answer back - just listen and agree” “Children back home are respectful, they just listen to their parents not like the children here”

The list goes on. But I still chose to understand and love my parents regardless of the hurt in my heart because despite it all, they still really only wanted the best for me. They were doing it the best way they knew how to, because this was all they knew.

Later in my healing journey I came to realise my parents had traumas of their own and healing needed but it was just something that wasn’t a thing for their generations and all before them.

Generational trauma held so much heaviness in my heart along with the limiting beliefs that came with it like a package deal, it was always the scenario of ‘but wait, there’s more!’. I grew up envious of the the family dynamics of those around me, so jealous of the relationship my friends had with their families, especially their mums.

Having a disconnect with who I was at a young age and no sense of self it showed in my choices of relationships. Relationships that I thought were good for me but ultimately in the long run were toxic and degrading even after the break ups.

The judgement and comparisons made about my appearance and weight never seemed to end and I continued to allow the words of others to define the person who I was.

I was living in a world of limiting beliefs and trauma. It became an endless cycle that I could not break free from nor see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The energy I felt back home was still the same among social circles and family. The comparison, judgement, dictation was still there and for myself the negative self talk and hatred was heightened.

I later came to find love once again with someone who showed me love in a way I never thought was possible, I was made to feel safe, accepted and heard but the gap between my mum and I grew which killed me.

We eventually began to plan for our future and spoke about starting our own family but it never happened. I mean after all who was I kidding - I was told from a young age that I could never be with child - but we still tried. I still had hope that maybe just once, God, would be on my side.

We laughed, we created memories, we went on trips all things that couples do but no one really knew the struggles behind the closed doors.

I would go to sleep next to supposedly the man that I loved, but I still felt so alone. I would speak to this person on how I felt and shared my dreams and aspirations, but the enthusiasm and passion in return was not there.

It took me going on a solo holiday for 6 weeks to realise I had fooled myself into believing what I had was love and for a lifetime when in reality I allowed myself to settle because I believed that this was all that I was worthy of and life for me wouldn’t get any better than this.

I allowed myself to believe that if I was to walk away that I would end up lonely and forever alone.

In the end not long after I chose to walk away. Not to say that I still tried to fight for us and the want to figure things out but ultimately this led to us separating which brought upon the darkest days that I would ever encounter.

I struggled. I struggled hard.

I struggled to uphold my sense of self around family, around colleagues and all aspects of life commitments. I was in a place of wishing that I never existed. I gave up.

In a state of complete limbo, unable to work, to drive, the inability to do the things I loved - I was losing all hope but not my Dad. He was full of hope and his faith saved me.

Without fail each day no matter how tired he was from work he would make sure to spend time with me. From joining my walks to clear my mind, to cleaning my room as a I laid in bed crying. No words were needed, my Dads presence was enough. But one thing he did make sure to do without fail was to make me laugh, even if it meant doing the running man challenge with his bad back and bad knees haha

As the days passed, the tears slowed down, the smile became more frequent and the laughters in my heart became louder.. The guilt of walking away became less and the waves of emotions not so heavy.

But my healing had just begun. Opening the scars to unhealed sores brought many more challenges and a period where I still allowed myself to settle with all that was around me.

I eventually made my way back into the reality of life but still felt that I did not belong. Not understanding the ways of life and unable to see how worthy and deserving I was. This showed in my lack of boundaries and ability to walk away from what was not for me.

I was searching for answers, the sense of belonging, the feeling of love and worthiness in all the places that were not right for me.

Despite coming so far I was still lost and in need of help.

But in saying all this, I was blessed.

Beyond blessed to have amazing and beautiful souls in my life who never failed to love me when I could not love myself. People who became my strength when I felt I no longer had the fight within me and at times fought battles for me.

I questioned so many things in life and all that I had gone through but one thing that changed in those 3 years was that I no longer blamed him for all the wrong that had happened to me but prayed for him to guide me and give me strength for I know that I did not walk those dark paths alone and all I needed was to call onto him and believe.

My sadness turned into joy, my anger turned into patience and my despair became hope.

Hope for a brighter tomorrow.
Hope for a love within that will provide strength, self compassion, forgiveness and understanding.

Hope that someday I will find my laughter and joy in life once again but this time without the underlying emptiness and pains accompanied with the delusions of love and worth.

And then it happened.

My hope was restored, my faith grew more each day and my love and zest for life had finally returned with less doubt and hatred in my heart.

Yes, the anger was still there but it was no longer strong. It no longer controlled me and the perception I had on life and of those around me.

I allowed myself to let people in and to trust those around me but it wasn’t long until this was all shattered once again.

Not long into the feelings of my found love for life I embraced new and old friendships, being able to speak my truth and voicing out the pains I endured but sharing how I was able to overcome them.

Though I still did not know the importance of boundaries yet alone realised the boundaries I had in place for myself, I was once again faced with challenges in life and made to question who I was, my worthiness and the love I though I finally had for myself.

All because I needed time for me and what I was going through and for finally standing by boundaries I created for myself and my wellbeing.

2019 was the year my life was about to change in all the beautiful and right ways I never thought imaginable.

God not only answered my prayers and brought a man of faith, love and patience into my life but 4 months later he blessed us immensely with our daughter, who today is 2 years old.

Like I mentioned in the beginning if it wasn’t for her I would not be where I am today yet alone the woman that stands before you continuously breaking generational curses and traumas and healing the pains from not only my lifeline but those who lived before me so that our future generations may live a life of compassion, acceptance and understanding.

My daughter, even before she was born, gave me the strength and even more reason to embark on my journey of healing and rediscovery.

She gave me a new found purpose.

She gave me another reason to love.

She gave me so much even before I held her in my arms.

2020 quickly came and as I was about to start my journey of healing, the first lockdown happened as the pandemic took over.

It was as though I was forced to face my past in order to release, move forward and live as my True Self. So I did just that.

Throughout my pregnancy even after giving birth I dedicated time to work on me and heal within me what I could heal.

I did all this because what mother kind of mother or role model would I be telling my own child to love herself, to live a life of purpose with passion and courage when I could not do this myself.

How could I tell her to live a life of understanding and to have a heart of forgiveness when I knew that my heart still held grudges towards those who had hurt me.

& so I worked on myself.

All my mum ever wanted for me was the best, she only ever wanted me to live a life of love and success and she had no other way of showing it but the way that she did.

After all, how was she to show me something that she herself had never really experienced herself.

How was she to show me the affection and love I wanted in my ways when she was shown love through discipline and expectations for being the perfect daughter and the one to provide as she was the eldest.

Unravelling all of this I was able to write a letter to my mum apologising for not having the understanding back then and for being so hard on her because I had lived in the victim mentality for so long when it came to our relationship.

Today we finally see things and each other a little differently.

Yes, we still have our moments, but the love and respect for her is greater than ever.

I then continued to heal from other past shadows and realising that they too had faced their own challenges and pains but the hardest one was the pains of my abuser.

I had to find the strength within to show forgiveness not to him but to myself and for being my harshest critic.

Forgiveness for not allowing myself to feel and not seeing that I had been strong for the longest time.

The hardest thing of this journey of healing wasn’t the forgiveness that I had to show others but the forgiveness I had to show myself.

To this day, I continue to strive to be a better version of me.